The weekend before I wrote this, I made a very drastic and radical decision and pushed myself to the limits that were set by the culture where I belong. Before plunging though, I made sure I got the approval of the people that matter to me the most – my kids.
In my youth I had always viewed myself as the “prodigal daughter”, most probably partly because I was not formally introduced to any religion and because I was raised a spoiled brat, being a father’s pet and the apple of the eye of everyone in the family having arrived in a perfect time where my siblings were already grown ups.
Needless to say then, I carried my stubbornness even when I was taken in by the Franciscan Friars. For example, I was supposedly expected to be observant of the practices of people living in a convent such as attend mass regularly, be attentive to prayer time schedule, etc. I was everything but these. I was so full of myself the only thing that mattered to me then was whatever made me happy. It was only a few years ago I realized they all formed part of my defense mechanisms for the pains I suffered inside.
But the beauty that is brought about by the people of my adolescence is what I thank God the most: those ever-patient souls provided me the kindest understanding and immeasurable tolerance in search of my freedom. They loved me without conditions.
Yeah, sure…I also suffered from loose talks as ill effects of my not-so-acceptable behavior, by standards of our mediocre society. But these are just normal tendencies. People will always talk. Nobody can prevent anybody of his/her own opinion, much less air it. Everyone has certain entitlements. We should just better brace ourselves for such storms and instead look and examine our self, kasi people’s tongues naman will not wag kung wala tayong ginagawang
Anyways, when I made my decision for a big U turn – a complete 180 degrees one – I thought of becoming obedient. For quite awhile it worked for me like magic. But then again lately, because I found myself perplexed of that decision I made a huge radical step forward. And I found myself an iconoclast once more.
“The most difficult time is not when nobody understands you; it is when you don’t understand yourself.” This is a passage presented to me by a friend, who she claimed was sent to her through the internet by some friend she has not met personally yet. And it is along this line where I cross the barrier, so I sealed and vowed to push through with my decision.
Back then when I was young the only thing I cared about protecting was my virginity – genital virginity, that is. I did this in my promise to myself that the best gift I could offer my future husband was my being a virgin (to the max ang kababawan ng understanding ko before of life and everything). This self-promise came shortly after I accidentally overheard of a prominent couple in my hometown arguing over the husband’s sexual infidelity with a prostitute. The wife was bitterly screaming on top of her lungs over the affair because she felt not only slighted but very insulted as she was then holding an executive position in a certain educational institution. I was shocked when I heard of the angry accusing reply of the husband: “Kay nano ikaw, malimpyo ka san kakuha ko sa imo?”
Although I have not regretted, to this day, that self-promise (because it saved me during my marital affair’s end times) I realized now that virginity bears a rather broad definition to it. That virginity must begin in our minds really. Not just down there in our vajayjay, girls…! And most of all we must be virgins in our hearts, boys…! When we are pure/virgins in both our mind and heart, we will act accordingly. And not hurt anybody. What is in-between our ears must prevail over what is in-between our legs dapat. Excuse me, pero wala naman kasing pinagkaiba ang lalaki sa babae. Our culture is just very paternal kaya ang alibi na “walang mawawala sa lalaki if he decides to go sexing around” has been tolerated. It is a very ridiculous justification actually, and an injustice to women (although I still maintain my unpopular conservatism on chastity and modesty).
Infidelity in human relationships is a very, very big and serious issue because that is mainly the purpose why we are sent back here in this planet– to learn about it (human relations) and be able to act it.
Our failure to understand what marriage is all about is the preparation to marital conflicts and collapse. Quite frankly, if we try hard to look at what is happening all around us we are going to see sado-masochistic marriages which are sooo many. They are just not evidently observable because our simple understanding of sado-masochism involves physical and/or verbal abuse only. Added to that is the fact that we do not actually live with these people and thus, we are unable to know the goings on inside their house 24/7. But if we try to just care listening to them, especially their woes, we will know. The million-dollar question is: do we have the time and ability, especially, to listen?
I have read somewhere na ang dalawang tenga daw natin pag pinagtagpo ay korteng puso. Being that, the best gesture of love daw that we can give is to listen. In listening we give them the whole of our heart. It is by listening that we expand our knowledge, patience, and understanding.
Following my crazy decision (details are off limits though) I found absolutely nothing wrong with my being an iconoclast. What will make things wrong for me is when I leave my God on the sidelight. It is when I do that that I will become a sociopath – the dark one. At ‘di ko ever pinangarap ‘yan. Just as, ‘di ko din naman inambisyon maging santa.
Iconoclasm is opening our self to the universality of things. Or the breaking away from the chains that bind us – the rules – which can be found mostly in our belief systems that were handed us from generation to generation. The opposite of iconoclasm is to be a sociopath which is, yes, has pretty much the same characteristics. The big difference lies in the matter that when you are a sociopath you don’t care about hurting people. It is because of insensitivity (due to selfishness) that you inflict pain on your brethren. When you are an iconoclast you have no intention to hurt other people at all even if you have chosen to live by what you believe in.
Iconoclasm produces independence. It is in real independence where a person can truly be interdependent – because it is in interdependence alone where there can truly be interconnectedness. An iconoclast is very sensitive to the needs of his/her fellow human beings. Acceptance and respect are his/her basic traits because he/she is already in Love or in God’s grace, and his/her understanding is expanded as a result of his/her consistent thirst in search for knowledge. Because of all these (Love, understanding, and knowledge) he/she chooses to live by continuously discovering the frontiers which were so long hidden from him/her through human interventions – mostly by the people who played God.
The following I found in a largely bounded book, whose price I cannot afford (kay mayaman na ak unta, kwarta na la an kulang! hehehe... sa human language iton. It’s really bliss which makes people rich…and bliss can only come from awareness or superconsciousness), and is a foreword of Thomas Moore (author of CARE OF THE SOUL and SOULMATES – HONORING LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS): “it has become painfully clear, ‘remote spirituality’ has little or no impact on the way we live as a society. People go to religious services and yet continue to pollute, take excessive profits, encourage wars, oppress, forment political division, maintain radical injustice, and promote their moralistic agendas (sic) at the expense of a deeply moral responsiveness to a world in trouble. It’s time to bring spirituality home, close to the heart and essentially connected to ordinary life.”
My iconoclastic ideas are part of my belief system. My heart is the source of this system. And I listen to my heart more than anything in the world because it is, as I said, the heart of my soul! My heart is what makes me. People can say things about me – whether those things they say about me are good or bad, I don’t really care (remember yet the “blessings and blessings-in-disguise”?). If they talk about me, thank you, I let it be. That is their problem. And their problem is theirs alone. They do not form part of me. What I really care about is what my God will say about me, period. End of argument. (chos, para namang me nakikipag-argue! hehe)
Harinawang matutunan
Love you, sweet friends…! God bless…! See you all sometime again.
No comments:
Post a Comment