In one of my infrequent visits, as part of our symbiotic relationship, to a junk shop owned by my nephew and his wife, I saw a February 2005 issue of The Reader's Digest. Browsing over it, i found an article under "Love Secrets" most intriguing and interesting. It is titled, "The Science of a Happy Marriage".
Personally affected by the ill effects brought about by sad and blown-up marriages since childhood, I went over the article with gusto. I read it one, two, three times. It was very interesting. I planned about giving it a serious thought when I get home, I thought.
For its background, Michael Gurian, the article's author, offered four (4) stages in marriage namely: romance, disillusionment, power struggle, and awakening. The following are my thoughts about this article: I personally realized that these are the very same stages we all go through individually, in our family (read books about family romance), and in our friendships. We just might not have noticed having had too many preoccupations to attend to.
Conclusively then, I would say that maybe our main fault in an unsuccessful marriage lies in our failure to find, befriend, and relate with our self first. If we are to be really honest about it, the majority of us married for the wrong reason/s. The many of this majority were so caught with the promise of "romance". Me? I had a web of wrong reasons. Read our back issues again and you will remember. We are who and what we are today because of the past, and we will become who and what we are in the future because of the present.
Marriage is a very serious matter. It becomes more so because of the children who come along in effect. And if we focus on the demography alone for failed marriages it would be a tremendous disaster because failed/unsuccessful marriages are countless and are mostly suffered in "silence" - where the couples agree verbally or non-verbally to stay together "for the sake of the children".
Is it really for their sake or for our own? How much longer are we going to prove instead of improve? For every sad marriage as such the innocent children are held hostage. They suffer the most and manifest their suffering in whatever ways they can. Then we condemn them because we see so much disrespect. What's with us "grown ups"? It is us who disappoint me most and much really!
I wrote this with a very heavy heart because of compassion for every kid caught in between. And I pray real hard that every parent (biological or not) sees reality as it must be seen. I really believe that in whatever arena "a battle can only be sweetly conquered or won by understanding".
When I say this piece of word, understanding, please do not equate this with consenting or disproportionate submission. It is seriously about in-depth understanding which must begin with self-introspection - seeing our self objectively from the viewpoint of our sinfulness as fallen people.
Take away that pride! Go beyond being human! Sympathy is not enough, empathy is. Remember that for every failed marriage there is no real victor, there are only real victims.
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." - (Philippians 2:4). Let us love and pray for ourselves for our children's sake!
God bless everyone.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
THE “KILIG” HOUSEMATES” OF PINOY BIG BROTHER, CELEBRITY EDITION 1
As we go to press Pinoy Big Brother, Celebrity Edition, must have already ended. I could only sympathize for beautiful housemate Bianca Gonzales because I immediately loved this girl when I first saw her in a commercial ad and regularly afterwards on “Magandang Umaga, Pilipinas”.
My fascination for people I could trace to as far back when I was fifteen (15) years old. In my childhood though, I would always dream to be a teacher. Rewinding the past now that I am in my midlife, made me realize my deep interest and love for people.
Despite the odds in my academic journey (I have had numerous “detours” in College), I was never for a second regretful landing on a behavioral course. I love what God gave! …and made of me!
It was but natural then, for fascination to envelope my whole being upon PBB’s initial presentation. I got even more interested in it because the concept was carefully calculated to suit Filipino values and cultures. Please take notice specifically of the lessons most intentionally crafted by “kuya” (or his team, on the background) in the housemates’ daily task.
Okay, let’s go back to Bianca. That is what this issue is all about anyways.
The controversy is focused on the friendship (?) between her and Zanjoe Marudo only because it is a public knowledge that Bianca has a boyfriend even before she went inside the house of kuya.
I can understand perfectly well the actions of both Bianca and Zanjoe as well as the reactions of the viewers, whether for or against. But I could only sympathize (as I said) and pray hard for Bianca.
We celebrate women’s month. Being so, we need to especially do something to effect “women empowerment”. But how could we when we do not even know how to discipline our emotions? When all we do, women, is to easily give in to them? And we shout to the world that we have the highest threshold for pain because we can sacrifice and suffer to no limits compared to our supposed “opponent”, the male specie? Aren’t we a little too confused maybe?
Allow me to go review what I discussed the past issue: “by and large, women are relationship-oriented and thus emotional because they are more right-brained; while men are logical because they are more left-brained..” Observe the housemates carefully, and you will realize that they mirror all of us. And instead of criticizing or fault finding (which many of us do best) let us learn whatever lesson there is to be learned from them.
Character-formation begins with self-discipline and self-discipline involves critical or logical thinking that involves the mind. God made all of us with a mind (inside our head!) on top. And I must say that character-formation is honestly difficult to attain for very relationship-oriented people because emotional discipline involves a hell lot of sufferings. So that when a person is unwilling to sacrifice and go through the process, he/she will be definitely lost.
May I also remind you that the process does not only involve actions on our part but deep and honest prayers as well. Our submission to God and willingness to do His will is the only way out of prison from the bondage of our self. Everything in this world is in God’s grace.
I could only pray, following nightly PBB, for Bianca to use her left brain more. That way she will have thought that, “moral and spiritual values are here to protect us, not to control us” (I forgot where I read this).
Coming from very difficult situations, the most significant moral value I share with everybody every time I am given the opportunity is this: in your quest for happiness, always remember NOT to hurt anybody. We are all children of God. Thus, we are all brothers and sisters here. And if we are aware of our eternal destination (in effect of our belief in God), we will surely double our efforts of sacrifice because we have to love our self first to please God. We have to please only Him for the sake of our “life after death”.
Clinging to someone who we think loves us is a deadly move. It is called “pathology of love” – a sickness a person and only God can cure. It stems from a very deep insecurity. No one has ever been spared of an insecurity-problem. The blessed few who honestly came out of it used both sides of their brain coupled with unceasing prayers.
I truly believe that an un-reflected life is not worth living, so I leave my latest reflection in parting: “unless we have gotten out of romantic love, we have never truly known what real love is!”
My fascination for people I could trace to as far back when I was fifteen (15) years old. In my childhood though, I would always dream to be a teacher. Rewinding the past now that I am in my midlife, made me realize my deep interest and love for people.
Despite the odds in my academic journey (I have had numerous “detours” in College), I was never for a second regretful landing on a behavioral course. I love what God gave! …and made of me!
It was but natural then, for fascination to envelope my whole being upon PBB’s initial presentation. I got even more interested in it because the concept was carefully calculated to suit Filipino values and cultures. Please take notice specifically of the lessons most intentionally crafted by “kuya” (or his team, on the background) in the housemates’ daily task.
Okay, let’s go back to Bianca. That is what this issue is all about anyways.
The controversy is focused on the friendship (?) between her and Zanjoe Marudo only because it is a public knowledge that Bianca has a boyfriend even before she went inside the house of kuya.
I can understand perfectly well the actions of both Bianca and Zanjoe as well as the reactions of the viewers, whether for or against. But I could only sympathize (as I said) and pray hard for Bianca.
We celebrate women’s month. Being so, we need to especially do something to effect “women empowerment”. But how could we when we do not even know how to discipline our emotions? When all we do, women, is to easily give in to them? And we shout to the world that we have the highest threshold for pain because we can sacrifice and suffer to no limits compared to our supposed “opponent”, the male specie? Aren’t we a little too confused maybe?
Allow me to go review what I discussed the past issue: “by and large, women are relationship-oriented and thus emotional because they are more right-brained; while men are logical because they are more left-brained..” Observe the housemates carefully, and you will realize that they mirror all of us. And instead of criticizing or fault finding (which many of us do best) let us learn whatever lesson there is to be learned from them.
Character-formation begins with self-discipline and self-discipline involves critical or logical thinking that involves the mind. God made all of us with a mind (inside our head!) on top. And I must say that character-formation is honestly difficult to attain for very relationship-oriented people because emotional discipline involves a hell lot of sufferings. So that when a person is unwilling to sacrifice and go through the process, he/she will be definitely lost.
May I also remind you that the process does not only involve actions on our part but deep and honest prayers as well. Our submission to God and willingness to do His will is the only way out of prison from the bondage of our self. Everything in this world is in God’s grace.
I could only pray, following nightly PBB, for Bianca to use her left brain more. That way she will have thought that, “moral and spiritual values are here to protect us, not to control us” (I forgot where I read this).
Coming from very difficult situations, the most significant moral value I share with everybody every time I am given the opportunity is this: in your quest for happiness, always remember NOT to hurt anybody. We are all children of God. Thus, we are all brothers and sisters here. And if we are aware of our eternal destination (in effect of our belief in God), we will surely double our efforts of sacrifice because we have to love our self first to please God. We have to please only Him for the sake of our “life after death”.
Clinging to someone who we think loves us is a deadly move. It is called “pathology of love” – a sickness a person and only God can cure. It stems from a very deep insecurity. No one has ever been spared of an insecurity-problem. The blessed few who honestly came out of it used both sides of their brain coupled with unceasing prayers.
I truly believe that an un-reflected life is not worth living, so I leave my latest reflection in parting: “unless we have gotten out of romantic love, we have never truly known what real love is!”
Sunday, October 14, 2007
THE SLOBS THAT WE ARE
Surfing our TV set, i chanced upon a Doctor of Theology in one of my favorite channels talking about God's divinity in relation to a song she heard over a radio. My interest was aroused because the song she mentioned happened to be one of my favorites, "One of Us".
As properly-educated-appearing as possible she lengthily explained her personal evaluation of the song as something ridiculous. She even went to the extent of name-dropping a particular saint to back up her viewpoints. She broke my heart. "It is (indeed) a lonely faith" (Rev. Franco Mendiola, OFM. SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI IN THE YEAR 2000). And it is becoming lonelier and lonelier.
To give you an overview of the song may i offer you its chorus: "what if God was one of us/just a slob like one of us/just a stranger on a bus trying to make His way home". The full text of the song will further show you that the song is actually a desperate cry of loneliness from our ever growing estrangement from one another as children of God.
The problem i find very disturbing with our "educated few" is their seeming inability to connect anymore with the masses. In all probability they must have placed themselves somewhere above us. Yet they continually and consistently preach about going with the "signs of the times".
Back at where we were, the song. It got me to thinking further that maybe it did not appeal to her taste for music because the song's tune is jumpy. Normally, songs like this appeal more to extroverts, especially the people of sanguine personality.
After reading the book, PERSONALITY PLUS by Florence Littauer, i realized that our failure to know and understand these highly important facts regarding personality types could have also greatly influenced our indifference to one another. Back in my teen years, when i applied for a nunnery, nobody took me seriously. Maupay na la. Napalayas unta ak dayon. (It was just as well, I would have been kicked out immediately.)
In our culture with rigid behavioral dictates and expectations, people of my personality type find it very difficult to fit in. I got my share of different injustices such as blunt criticisms, maltreatments, unfair accusations, names, and what have you in my younger years. The society as a whole was harsh to me. I think I lost myself for the longest time then. I developed coping mechanisms to survive. We all do. But we cannot run away all the time.
What I am really driving about here is: let us just accept and respect one another. Let us take and treat everybody as just like us. There are a lot of things that we do not understand. We do not need to know deeply each one, if we do not like to. We just need to love, or however you may call our connectedness. I personally prefer to call it "love", for it is only love that we cannot get enough of. Let us consider each person, regardless of age, stature, etc., as our brother or sister. God does not have grandchildren. We must remember that to be always reminded of our equality.
Sarah Grand has a valid point when she said that, "Our opinion of people depends less upon what we see in them than upon what they make us see in ourselves." We will always be slobs, that's for sure. The only one thing that will be and remain important is our love for one another, no matter what and no matter when!
Love you dearly everyone! God bless all of us.
As properly-educated-appearing as possible she lengthily explained her personal evaluation of the song as something ridiculous. She even went to the extent of name-dropping a particular saint to back up her viewpoints. She broke my heart. "It is (indeed) a lonely faith" (Rev. Franco Mendiola, OFM. SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI IN THE YEAR 2000). And it is becoming lonelier and lonelier.
To give you an overview of the song may i offer you its chorus: "what if God was one of us/just a slob like one of us/just a stranger on a bus trying to make His way home". The full text of the song will further show you that the song is actually a desperate cry of loneliness from our ever growing estrangement from one another as children of God.
The problem i find very disturbing with our "educated few" is their seeming inability to connect anymore with the masses. In all probability they must have placed themselves somewhere above us. Yet they continually and consistently preach about going with the "signs of the times".
Back at where we were, the song. It got me to thinking further that maybe it did not appeal to her taste for music because the song's tune is jumpy. Normally, songs like this appeal more to extroverts, especially the people of sanguine personality.
After reading the book, PERSONALITY PLUS by Florence Littauer, i realized that our failure to know and understand these highly important facts regarding personality types could have also greatly influenced our indifference to one another. Back in my teen years, when i applied for a nunnery, nobody took me seriously. Maupay na la. Napalayas unta ak dayon. (It was just as well, I would have been kicked out immediately.)
In our culture with rigid behavioral dictates and expectations, people of my personality type find it very difficult to fit in. I got my share of different injustices such as blunt criticisms, maltreatments, unfair accusations, names, and what have you in my younger years. The society as a whole was harsh to me. I think I lost myself for the longest time then. I developed coping mechanisms to survive. We all do. But we cannot run away all the time.
What I am really driving about here is: let us just accept and respect one another. Let us take and treat everybody as just like us. There are a lot of things that we do not understand. We do not need to know deeply each one, if we do not like to. We just need to love, or however you may call our connectedness. I personally prefer to call it "love", for it is only love that we cannot get enough of. Let us consider each person, regardless of age, stature, etc., as our brother or sister. God does not have grandchildren. We must remember that to be always reminded of our equality.
Sarah Grand has a valid point when she said that, "Our opinion of people depends less upon what we see in them than upon what they make us see in ourselves." We will always be slobs, that's for sure. The only one thing that will be and remain important is our love for one another, no matter what and no matter when!
Love you dearly everyone! God bless all of us.
ON FALLING IN LOVE
Growing with my children brought me more bliss than pain especially because i "grew up" considerably in my meaningful relationship with them, too. Their lovelife not only colored their world but it also did mine. And it still does.
As i sit in our breakfast table, attending to my special child, my memory pleasantly went back to my discussion with my youngest son involving questions on love. He was aged sixteen (16) then but he has had a girlfriend when he was yet eleven (11), which i find both amazing and amusing. I smiled to myself to such wonderful memory because about a year after that I overheard him, in sweet and desperate surrender, telling his older siblings, "Siring ni nanay (mother said), Love. Don't fall in love." To which i repeated lovingly for the sake of my other sons, "Because as sure as you fall IN love, you are going to fall OUT of love, sonner or later."
Over years of observation and sad contemplation (yes, my contemplations are always that, SAD) i figured that maybe, it is our failure to accept/acknowledge our divinity that makes our search for happiness elusive. Maybe we have not really learned to truly love because we always settle for the least - being human (other times, being animal. God forbid!); that we have not trusted ourselves enough so we are not able to go beyond our human nature. Our divine nature has always been inside us waiting to be recognized and accepted but we would rather be Peter Pan's, thinking that there really is a Neverland, and watch our wasted lives drift away.
Why is this so? Could it be because after Christ's coming we have comfortably nestled in the thought that we had been and are saved by God's only Son, anyway? And that being so, we can already remain complacent in the thought that we are loved by God any which way we do things - as we please them - our way? Or could it be a carry over of the gross negligence or over indulgence of our environment/culture in our growing up years that brought us the net effect?
i would never know the definitive answers to these questions, of course, because we differ from one another. And only God has all the answers. One thing i do know and recognize though is that, Christ, God's only Son, came here not only to save us but also to show us the way: SUBMISSION to the Holy Will of our Father in Heaven by SACRIFICE!
Indeed the overlap or interplay of both our animal nature (our basic desires involving our senses) and our human nature (our judgments without divine guidance) makes it very difficult for us to reach our divine nature, which is supposedly our highest nature and our final goal here on earth.
It is our responsibility, alone, to tame/discipline our inferior natures. The acceptance of the fact that "the seeds of destruction are within us" will help us realize the importance of subordinating our natural tendencies/urges. We must not resort to any "blame game". We can never control anybody or anything outside of us after all. We can only control our own self.
This is where forgiveness is crucial because FORGIVENESS is a very important step to finding our divinity. Next to forgiveness is GRATITUDE. This is where we count our blessings instead; where we opt that everything is a matter of correct perspective and right attitude; where we believe in the law of compromise (remember Stephen Covey's Win-Win Theory?); and where we learn to trust again.
God never left. God has always been with us and He will always be. Our search for divinity, in all actuality, is our search for our healthy self-love because only divine love is real love. Human love is either demanding or depleting. We see those everywhere. And it is rampantly observable in a romantic love. It explains for the falling in and the falling out.
In my own quest for my divine nature i adopted the legacy of one of my beloved "earth fathers", Rev. Regis Burzynski, OFM, to guide me through. He had always with him a framed picture of our Blessed Virgin Mary on his table and at the back of it he wrote, IWMI, which he said to mean "I WILL MAKE IT", when i curiously asked him. To this day i am so glad i carried the same conviction. It saved me. And i pray it always will.
Ultimately then, God, in His unconditional love for us, still leaves us pretty much to ourselves, our own free will. And my ultimate words for you to think about are from Og Mandino: "Man is bestowed by God the power to influence his destiny, but (sadly) all he does well is die...a little everyday."
Love your self! Nobody can love you enough but you. Never give in. Never give up. You can make it, if you will. All you need is faith. Believe in your self! GOD BLESS EVERYONE.
As i sit in our breakfast table, attending to my special child, my memory pleasantly went back to my discussion with my youngest son involving questions on love. He was aged sixteen (16) then but he has had a girlfriend when he was yet eleven (11), which i find both amazing and amusing. I smiled to myself to such wonderful memory because about a year after that I overheard him, in sweet and desperate surrender, telling his older siblings, "Siring ni nanay (mother said), Love. Don't fall in love." To which i repeated lovingly for the sake of my other sons, "Because as sure as you fall IN love, you are going to fall OUT of love, sonner or later."
Over years of observation and sad contemplation (yes, my contemplations are always that, SAD) i figured that maybe, it is our failure to accept/acknowledge our divinity that makes our search for happiness elusive. Maybe we have not really learned to truly love because we always settle for the least - being human (other times, being animal. God forbid!); that we have not trusted ourselves enough so we are not able to go beyond our human nature. Our divine nature has always been inside us waiting to be recognized and accepted but we would rather be Peter Pan's, thinking that there really is a Neverland, and watch our wasted lives drift away.
Why is this so? Could it be because after Christ's coming we have comfortably nestled in the thought that we had been and are saved by God's only Son, anyway? And that being so, we can already remain complacent in the thought that we are loved by God any which way we do things - as we please them - our way? Or could it be a carry over of the gross negligence or over indulgence of our environment/culture in our growing up years that brought us the net effect?
i would never know the definitive answers to these questions, of course, because we differ from one another. And only God has all the answers. One thing i do know and recognize though is that, Christ, God's only Son, came here not only to save us but also to show us the way: SUBMISSION to the Holy Will of our Father in Heaven by SACRIFICE!
Indeed the overlap or interplay of both our animal nature (our basic desires involving our senses) and our human nature (our judgments without divine guidance) makes it very difficult for us to reach our divine nature, which is supposedly our highest nature and our final goal here on earth.
It is our responsibility, alone, to tame/discipline our inferior natures. The acceptance of the fact that "the seeds of destruction are within us" will help us realize the importance of subordinating our natural tendencies/urges. We must not resort to any "blame game". We can never control anybody or anything outside of us after all. We can only control our own self.
This is where forgiveness is crucial because FORGIVENESS is a very important step to finding our divinity. Next to forgiveness is GRATITUDE. This is where we count our blessings instead; where we opt that everything is a matter of correct perspective and right attitude; where we believe in the law of compromise (remember Stephen Covey's Win-Win Theory?); and where we learn to trust again.
God never left. God has always been with us and He will always be. Our search for divinity, in all actuality, is our search for our healthy self-love because only divine love is real love. Human love is either demanding or depleting. We see those everywhere. And it is rampantly observable in a romantic love. It explains for the falling in and the falling out.
In my own quest for my divine nature i adopted the legacy of one of my beloved "earth fathers", Rev. Regis Burzynski, OFM, to guide me through. He had always with him a framed picture of our Blessed Virgin Mary on his table and at the back of it he wrote, IWMI, which he said to mean "I WILL MAKE IT", when i curiously asked him. To this day i am so glad i carried the same conviction. It saved me. And i pray it always will.
Ultimately then, God, in His unconditional love for us, still leaves us pretty much to ourselves, our own free will. And my ultimate words for you to think about are from Og Mandino: "Man is bestowed by God the power to influence his destiny, but (sadly) all he does well is die...a little everyday."
Love your self! Nobody can love you enough but you. Never give in. Never give up. You can make it, if you will. All you need is faith. Believe in your self! GOD BLESS EVERYONE.
Friday, October 12, 2007
THE EPITOME OF A GOOD CHILD THAT IS "CHOY"
Our publisher's notice to limit our opinionated article plus the overcrowding of ideas i want to share with you led me to a writer's block. But deadline is magic, so they say. Though i prefer calling this more "God's leadings".
As my mother-in-law and i were seriously discussing things regarding unforgiveness and its ill effects we were interrupted by my brother-in-law's questions after his musing over the story of Choy that was featured in "Zona Libre" in our last issue (Choy is a man in his early midlife, about thirty something years old, is fairly successful as a businessman, and has a family of his own, but has been constantly in search, since his childhood, of his biological father. It really must be a small world, our publisher accidentally - or is it God's will?- met him in a ferry bound for Bicol. The fact that his father was an alleged Calbayognon, he requested for our publisher's help in finding or contacting him.). Interestingly enough, Mama tried reading the paper, too. Feeling the strain in her eyes was affecting her comprehension she requested me to read it for her to which i gladly obliged.
Guilty of the same offense (unforgiveness for my biological father also) in my younger years, Choy's story brought me into tears. Immediately after reading the article i told Mama, "this is what all the children should be doing, forgive their parents." And we discussed a little bit more.
Getting back home, though, my thoughts were glued to Choy's story and the goodness of his heart. He brought me into deep thinking that as God's children we are supposed to live as good children to bring Him greater glory.. But what do we do instead? We prefer to be NICE RATHER THAN GOOD. So we live in constant confusion that is brought about by this choice of mediocrity. Failing or refusing to understand, we enter the "blame game" and when there is no one left around to blame anymore we go to the extent of blaming God as our perfection of absurdity!
Let me bring you back again to the difference between social ethics and character ethics because this is basically where our confusion begins. Being nice is etiquette. There is no problem with it. The problem with being nice happens when we begin to sacrifice our self and/or others for the sake of it. Our failure to understand our limits as God's children is the culprit. And the irony is, we so hungrily (sometimes angrily) seek to be understood.. This is selfishness. We must remember that nobody is ever going to understand us unless we understood ourselves first. Being nice, then, will eventually lead us to "limbo" because social ethics, as i have said before, is geared towards pleasing people. And nobody has ever pleased everybody.
While the goodness that is brought about by being good, which is what character ethics is all about, are joy, peace, and serenity because we please God alone. We go to the extent of forgetting ourselves (otherwise known as "selflessness") to please Him by doing exactly His will. The only thing that is involved in so doing is "total surrender". And it must begin with owning up to our own mistakes, our wrong decisions and choices.
Let us live as free people, therefore, by accepting our own faults. The age of maturity only begins when we begin to accept our sinfulness because all of us are sinners. Our perfection happens only when we are united with Him. But the beginning of our perfection happens here on earth. Hope is a big thing. And while we are here there will always be hope. The main problem that confronts us is in not knowing when and how we are going to die. This is a very serious thing to think about because our culture does not normally talk about things it considers morbid, be they reality. And to not talk about evil is evil. Life is a choice. Take responsibility for your own destiny.
Let me bid you farewell, for now, with Voltaire's thoughts: "when everything is lost, including hope, life becomes a disgrace and death a duty."
Here's hoping you find the courage, as Choy did, to take the plunge. Accept, repent, and forgive your self, so you can forgive the others who you think caused you pain. Ciao!
As my mother-in-law and i were seriously discussing things regarding unforgiveness and its ill effects we were interrupted by my brother-in-law's questions after his musing over the story of Choy that was featured in "Zona Libre" in our last issue (Choy is a man in his early midlife, about thirty something years old, is fairly successful as a businessman, and has a family of his own, but has been constantly in search, since his childhood, of his biological father. It really must be a small world, our publisher accidentally - or is it God's will?- met him in a ferry bound for Bicol. The fact that his father was an alleged Calbayognon, he requested for our publisher's help in finding or contacting him.). Interestingly enough, Mama tried reading the paper, too. Feeling the strain in her eyes was affecting her comprehension she requested me to read it for her to which i gladly obliged.
Guilty of the same offense (unforgiveness for my biological father also) in my younger years, Choy's story brought me into tears. Immediately after reading the article i told Mama, "this is what all the children should be doing, forgive their parents." And we discussed a little bit more.
Getting back home, though, my thoughts were glued to Choy's story and the goodness of his heart. He brought me into deep thinking that as God's children we are supposed to live as good children to bring Him greater glory.. But what do we do instead? We prefer to be NICE RATHER THAN GOOD. So we live in constant confusion that is brought about by this choice of mediocrity. Failing or refusing to understand, we enter the "blame game" and when there is no one left around to blame anymore we go to the extent of blaming God as our perfection of absurdity!
Let me bring you back again to the difference between social ethics and character ethics because this is basically where our confusion begins. Being nice is etiquette. There is no problem with it. The problem with being nice happens when we begin to sacrifice our self and/or others for the sake of it. Our failure to understand our limits as God's children is the culprit. And the irony is, we so hungrily (sometimes angrily) seek to be understood.. This is selfishness. We must remember that nobody is ever going to understand us unless we understood ourselves first. Being nice, then, will eventually lead us to "limbo" because social ethics, as i have said before, is geared towards pleasing people. And nobody has ever pleased everybody.
While the goodness that is brought about by being good, which is what character ethics is all about, are joy, peace, and serenity because we please God alone. We go to the extent of forgetting ourselves (otherwise known as "selflessness") to please Him by doing exactly His will. The only thing that is involved in so doing is "total surrender". And it must begin with owning up to our own mistakes, our wrong decisions and choices.
Let us live as free people, therefore, by accepting our own faults. The age of maturity only begins when we begin to accept our sinfulness because all of us are sinners. Our perfection happens only when we are united with Him. But the beginning of our perfection happens here on earth. Hope is a big thing. And while we are here there will always be hope. The main problem that confronts us is in not knowing when and how we are going to die. This is a very serious thing to think about because our culture does not normally talk about things it considers morbid, be they reality. And to not talk about evil is evil. Life is a choice. Take responsibility for your own destiny.
Let me bid you farewell, for now, with Voltaire's thoughts: "when everything is lost, including hope, life becomes a disgrace and death a duty."
Here's hoping you find the courage, as Choy did, to take the plunge. Accept, repent, and forgive your self, so you can forgive the others who you think caused you pain. Ciao!
THE GREAT MEN OF MY LIFE
Today's issue I would like to dedicate lovingly to my father who must have really loved me purely. He was a cool father who was considerate but not at all consenting. He was a "dream father" every daughter would wish for. This was the father of my childhood. Likewise, i would like to dedicate this issue to the fathers of my adolescence, Rev. Gabriel Bertos, OFM, and the late Rev. Regis Burzynski, OFM. These are the great people of God for whom i will always be grateful because they gave me faith, hope, and love by merely accepting me and letting me be. Lastly, this goes as well to my big-hearted benefactor, Alois Thoma, who never gave up on my formal education. THANK YOU, FATHER for these great men You sent me! (You rained men on me but i chose to look the other way. Forgive me!)
Indeed, God uses people to shape us up in many ways. They come in all forms, both blessings and blessings-in-disguise. But definitely it is in our own family where our personhood is greatly influenced first. The other cultures come next but they bear considerable effects also in our formation as human beings as we go from one stage to another.
My childhood was spent with a very Hispanic-oriented mother, having been raised in one as well. She was strict and controlling both in ways nice and not-so-nice. But i loved her yet, maybe because theirs was the only family i got (and at least they took me in) and i had no choice anyways. "Forgiveness is the only way to go" and i say that with conviction!
Very opposite my childhood, my adolescent years were spent in freedom, understanding and trust, courtesy of the Franciscan environment with the special participation of Rev. Regis Burzuynski, OFM.
Comparatively speaking, therefore, I experienced what i will jokingly call "hell and heaven" in my young life.
Now, in my adult life as a parent, i could not help but empathize with the young and reflect how ironic we, parents, could really be. We profess our belief in God our Father, who trusted in us completely, but here we are distrusting our children. Could it be because, despite God's trust in us, we have not truly learned to trust ourselves?
I often hear grown (not necessarily "grown up") people say, "no one parent intends to harm his/her child. Every parent only wants the best for him/her." Amazing statement! Every time i'd hear that I would like to puke.
There's this American priest-author who wonderfully crafted the ill-effects of controlling parents. He says that most parents often employ what he calls "sweet domination" over their children. This is a kind of control hidden in the guise of love or concern by making their children feel needed or by being very sweet and loving parents. Underneath though is a selfish motive because of different reasons such as loneliness, fear of old age, etc. etc.
The great percentage of people grew up engulfed in sweet domination, sweet seduction or sweet manipulation, or in the worst climate of injustice, hatred, rejection, oppression, harassments, abuse, etcetera, or the sad "in-between", where parents were physically present but were treating their children in complete animosity by being cold, distant or neglectful - othertimes hidden in permissiveness or tolerance. Any of these caused our loss of freedom. In all likelihood we grew up rebelling through our uncontrollable actions or passive suppression. So we constantly wear different facades to hide our pain. We lost our true identities as God intended for us to be. We live up to being absolute descendants of Adam and Eve. Maybe even worse! We became replicas of our parents, became the opposite gender called "third sex", or ended up marrying their (our parents) kind. Ever confused, failing to find our true self, we treat and train (either consciously or unconsciously) our children the same way our parents did us.
This vicious cycle goes on and on until we decide to break it off. And then we are faced with the big question "HOW?"!
Reaching midlife was a hundred times more difficult than the transition phase i had in adolescence. If it was hard then, it was hardest this time. My personal thoughts on midlife therefore, is this: it maybe is God's last call/attempt to wake us up, after His countless efforts in our youth, and notice His great love for us by finding our true self which is the only way we could be free. Midlife is the time to finally find our balance, our androgyny.
This realization must have hit me hard that I did a lot of praying, rewinding, reading, and thinking. For the first time i took to seeing me seriously, honestly and clearly. And what did i find out? "i was ashamed at how i wasted my life!" I played along with other people's games. After much contemplation i decided to put a STOP to all of it and looked every problem in the eye. Crisis comes from a Greek work "krisis" which, according to the book - INTIMACY WITH GOD, means "decision time". Feeling that i might be losing time and i was pulling my children down with me I had to decide fast and do something.
Our series of rebellion must have caused us various confusions resulting to a multitude of unresolved issues involving our past, present, and future. All these unresolved issues gave rise to problems on unforgiveness, vulnerability, or hopelessness manifested in different forms of addictions, later on escalating into obsessions.
Knowing exactly where i was situated, i begun to reformat my life. I rearranged my values which i found out was very badly arranged. i started basically from within me. All the rest followed but always, always in God's loving guidance.
Having resolved everything in my life, i truly believe that today's greatest challenge for us parents, educators, and adults is the "rescripting the lives of our younger generations". And the only way to do this is to begin with rescripting or rewriting our very own first.
Alan Loy McGinnis, in his book THE FRIENDSHIP FACTOR", exposed his findings which is very sad. He found out that the biggest problem of the youth today is "not finding adult friend" to talk to sensibly. Seemed to me like we have a shortage of people who can be appropriately described as "adults".
Let us be friends to our youth by being friends with our self. Let us find and hold our heart again. It is by doing this alone where we can leave "love legacy" and not perish without finding "heaven on earth". Let us set our young generations free and trust them by freeing and trusting our self. And the time to do it is now. Nothing is late in love.
Here is Sarah Teasedale's words of wisdom to ponder: the only responsibility we have for the young is to give them "roots to stand firm and wings to fly"!
God bless...
Indeed, God uses people to shape us up in many ways. They come in all forms, both blessings and blessings-in-disguise. But definitely it is in our own family where our personhood is greatly influenced first. The other cultures come next but they bear considerable effects also in our formation as human beings as we go from one stage to another.
My childhood was spent with a very Hispanic-oriented mother, having been raised in one as well. She was strict and controlling both in ways nice and not-so-nice. But i loved her yet, maybe because theirs was the only family i got (and at least they took me in) and i had no choice anyways. "Forgiveness is the only way to go" and i say that with conviction!
Very opposite my childhood, my adolescent years were spent in freedom, understanding and trust, courtesy of the Franciscan environment with the special participation of Rev. Regis Burzuynski, OFM.
Comparatively speaking, therefore, I experienced what i will jokingly call "hell and heaven" in my young life.
Now, in my adult life as a parent, i could not help but empathize with the young and reflect how ironic we, parents, could really be. We profess our belief in God our Father, who trusted in us completely, but here we are distrusting our children. Could it be because, despite God's trust in us, we have not truly learned to trust ourselves?
I often hear grown (not necessarily "grown up") people say, "no one parent intends to harm his/her child. Every parent only wants the best for him/her." Amazing statement! Every time i'd hear that I would like to puke.
There's this American priest-author who wonderfully crafted the ill-effects of controlling parents. He says that most parents often employ what he calls "sweet domination" over their children. This is a kind of control hidden in the guise of love or concern by making their children feel needed or by being very sweet and loving parents. Underneath though is a selfish motive because of different reasons such as loneliness, fear of old age, etc. etc.
The great percentage of people grew up engulfed in sweet domination, sweet seduction or sweet manipulation, or in the worst climate of injustice, hatred, rejection, oppression, harassments, abuse, etcetera, or the sad "in-between", where parents were physically present but were treating their children in complete animosity by being cold, distant or neglectful - othertimes hidden in permissiveness or tolerance. Any of these caused our loss of freedom. In all likelihood we grew up rebelling through our uncontrollable actions or passive suppression. So we constantly wear different facades to hide our pain. We lost our true identities as God intended for us to be. We live up to being absolute descendants of Adam and Eve. Maybe even worse! We became replicas of our parents, became the opposite gender called "third sex", or ended up marrying their (our parents) kind. Ever confused, failing to find our true self, we treat and train (either consciously or unconsciously) our children the same way our parents did us.
This vicious cycle goes on and on until we decide to break it off. And then we are faced with the big question "HOW?"!
Reaching midlife was a hundred times more difficult than the transition phase i had in adolescence. If it was hard then, it was hardest this time. My personal thoughts on midlife therefore, is this: it maybe is God's last call/attempt to wake us up, after His countless efforts in our youth, and notice His great love for us by finding our true self which is the only way we could be free. Midlife is the time to finally find our balance, our androgyny.
This realization must have hit me hard that I did a lot of praying, rewinding, reading, and thinking. For the first time i took to seeing me seriously, honestly and clearly. And what did i find out? "i was ashamed at how i wasted my life!" I played along with other people's games. After much contemplation i decided to put a STOP to all of it and looked every problem in the eye. Crisis comes from a Greek work "krisis" which, according to the book - INTIMACY WITH GOD, means "decision time". Feeling that i might be losing time and i was pulling my children down with me I had to decide fast and do something.
Our series of rebellion must have caused us various confusions resulting to a multitude of unresolved issues involving our past, present, and future. All these unresolved issues gave rise to problems on unforgiveness, vulnerability, or hopelessness manifested in different forms of addictions, later on escalating into obsessions.
Knowing exactly where i was situated, i begun to reformat my life. I rearranged my values which i found out was very badly arranged. i started basically from within me. All the rest followed but always, always in God's loving guidance.
Having resolved everything in my life, i truly believe that today's greatest challenge for us parents, educators, and adults is the "rescripting the lives of our younger generations". And the only way to do this is to begin with rescripting or rewriting our very own first.
Alan Loy McGinnis, in his book THE FRIENDSHIP FACTOR", exposed his findings which is very sad. He found out that the biggest problem of the youth today is "not finding adult friend" to talk to sensibly. Seemed to me like we have a shortage of people who can be appropriately described as "adults".
Let us be friends to our youth by being friends with our self. Let us find and hold our heart again. It is by doing this alone where we can leave "love legacy" and not perish without finding "heaven on earth". Let us set our young generations free and trust them by freeing and trusting our self. And the time to do it is now. Nothing is late in love.
Here is Sarah Teasedale's words of wisdom to ponder: the only responsibility we have for the young is to give them "roots to stand firm and wings to fly"!
God bless...
Friday, October 5, 2007
BLESS THE BEASTS AND THE CHILDREN
Teen life is the most memorable stage in our growing up years, at least for the most of us. Maybe because it is where our relationships were yet pure. Less contaminated by the “art of plasticity” we learned and mastered as we moved through adulthood.
Although I have definitely forwarded in my music appreciation, in my effort to keep up with my growing children and lessen our generation gap, I still maintained my love for the music of Basia, Sade, Enya, The Beatles, Cascades, etcetera, etcetera, but most of all The Carpenters.
Visiting my “teen life chapter”, especially when I feel senti (read: dramatic reminiscence), I could only smile to my tearful reaction then every time I heard Karen Carpenter on the radio singing one of my favorite songs, Bless the Beasts and the Children. The song did not really sell well understandably because it was not romantically worded and its music was a bit flat. But to me it brought so much pain. It seemed somehow the song was written for me including the unfortunate children of my kind.
The “beasts” I used to refer literally to the real beasts. But now that I have considerably grown up (I hope I have), I think the songwriter referred it more to people who act and treat people like animals, beastly – without a heart and a conscience. Some of them appear clear-cut beasts while some, who are the most dangerous kind, appear cool, calm, and collected, like angels or saints. My heart goes out for both.
Human degeneration has been very remarkably rapid and seemingly unstoppable that for most of the times all we can do is to cry and pray hard…and hope! It is in one of these moments of sad contemplation that I decided to offer my thoughts through this. Little did I know that that maiden contribution will catch the attention of PLAN-Philippines (an NGO), Catbalogan, Samar Office, Project Officer Ms. Angenic Garcia – a fairly tough young woman who certainly knows what she is doing, what she wants, and how to get there. In short, she is a much-focused service-oriented woman and very straight forward also. We met only once and did not talk much. We immediately connected though since we were looking at the same direction.
In a very short period of time, however, during our initial implementation for batches 1 and 2 (which success I credit most to Ms. Angie’s patience and guidance and the awesome assistance of her very active Community Worker, Mrs. Luchie Rosales – who came in as my bonus. Talk about interdependence. Praise you, Lord!), my reflection was focused for both sexes of humankind. Both sexes because I still am convinced that God made only men and women; that the so-called “third sex” is the effect of the numerous cultural dictates. Everything is our fault. So we must also get what we deserve. We must not forget though, that their (the third sex/gender) being what they are does not at all make them lesser children of God. We are all one and the same in God’s loving grace.
A battered person for most of my “growing up” years and emerging a finer person (please bear with me, friends.. I have got to believe in me first to effect belief in you, I think) after those years of emotional turmoil, I have developed a very deep observance of different people. My partnership with Ms. Angie, thus, was my culmination to thinking about “people empowerment” – not just a specific gender.
Going back to the basic for the protection of our environment and health has done great things for us. We must congratulate the good-hearted people and organizations behind those noble undertakings. But it is also along this line, of going back to the basics, that we must address our people to empower them. We have to teach them back the “basics” of our being human. Of why we are here and what we are made of basically, stressing God’s plans and intentions for our basic component as His special creation.
Development and modernization have brought about so many complexities in our lives resulting to rampant secularism and cynicism bringing us farther and farther apart. We don’t talk about us seriously anymore because we didn’t take us seriously for so long already. We have been so desensitized by modern technology. Family members have become strangers in their own families. Our confusion grows harder and harder each passing day, generation to generation, because there seems to be no one to talk to anymore who really cares. If I couldn’t even care for me, how could I care for anybody?
So I am simply just here, existing but not living.
Our growing separation from one another has resulted into an indescribable loneliness manifested into different addictions escalating into obsessions such as: drinking, drugs, sex, smoking, caffeine, money, cars, houses, hoarding, shopping, gossiping, gambling, wrong relationships, work, food, very structured lives, ultra neatness, power, fame, position, and many, many more. Our remarkable ability to deny and avoid our self to remain in our comfort zones made us appear to be self-sufficient on the outside. We have become so distant to one another and prideful to commune for personal check and balance. We have become impersonal and rigid. “If we see each other let’s talk about mundane things, you or the others, not about me”, the unspoken message of our time. Why? What is there to fear about?
The batterer is just as confused as the battered. The oppressor as lost as the oppressed. Going back to the basics, into knowing our common denominators as God’s people will help us back into shape again. Let us do our part by reeducating ourselves and sharing this education to others towards a LOVE that is a relationship based on ACCEPTANCE and RESPECT. Let us be there for all our brothers and sisters to make them know and feel we sincerely care no matter!
Allow me to remind you of Albert Einstein’s words in parting: “this world is a dangerous place to live not because of the people who do evil but because of the people who sit and do nothing.”
My love for all of you!
WOMEN’S STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY AND . . . “FINDING NEVERLAND”
Sometime ago, about the time that Johnny Depp’s (one of the most handsome faces of Hollywood) “Finding Neverland” VCD hit Calbayog City, my children kept bugging me into viewing it. So I did and found out that the story was really good and that Kate Winslet’s, Johnny’s leading lady in the movie, performance was at par with his. And because we are hopeless romantics, except for those who have truly hardened their hearts, I cried a river - which was well applauded by my children. They got me once again!
Getting back to contemplation and reflection again, especially in my moments of solitude, I could not help but pity the women fighters in the frontline who are there to attain “gender equality”. Sensing something wrong in our approach, we are probably going nowhere and maybe finding Neverland instead.
Unless we give absolute seriousness in this fight and put our whole hearts into it, we will never realize that education or re-education (others call it “evaluation or re-evaluation” but whatever the term maybe doesn’t really matter) regarding human nature is the only way to go. There are definitely no shorts-cuts to answers/resolutions on big issues and problems like this. We have got to launch our appeal on every human being. Every human being matters because “rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind” (Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) “for what is in the mind is in the heart” (from the book: You Are What You Think). The mind and the heart are two (2) very inseparable important parts of any human being.
This is where education on androgyny must come in. Unfortunately for the most of us, most of the times we choose to remain in our comfort zones upon information of the difficulty in obtaining androgyny. It is either we are raised in complete tolerance or total negligence that we lack self-discipline and thus, acquire the wrong kind of values that we become who and what we are. Indeed the acquisition of androgyny is very difficult because it involves a lot of self-discipline and prayers. We need to be creatures of our great God that must do our part and trust for His grace.
We must change ourselves first before we can effectively ask of the others. Thomas Harris’ equation in life to believe is something worthwhile to think about: Knowledge + Ethics = Behavior. Quite simple and easy to look, friends, but it is very difficult to work out. However, if one is dedicated enough because of healthy self-love he/she is sure to find true joy, peace, and contentment in his heart.
To believe in matters and things ephemeral is to fail. We have to be convinced that until the world’s end there will yet be enumerable frontiers. It must be because of this and the fact that we are mere passers-by here that we must acknowledge the urgency to look at ourselves honestly… and fight our evilness fiercely.
The truth is, we are a very insecurity-driven people! And until the time that we have gathered enough courage to accept this we will never, never find our true selves. In effect, we will forever be divided among ourselves simply because we are lost!
GENDER SENSITIVITY
Note: GENDER SENSITIVITY was the title assigned by my publisher for the maiden contribution I submitted to the newspaper editor, as I did not know then about these things. I wrote this in answer/reaction to the study I mentioned above that they published entitled again, Love Beats Depression for Women, Not Men. My column bears the title: “A FRIEND FOR YOU”
___________________________________________________________________In my attempt to answer the study, I would like to quote a famous psychologist who did extensive researches on human behavior based on scientific facts. He found out and explained that in the anatomy of human brain men are left lobed and thus, value competency, achievement and efficiency; while women are left lobed and are therefore, caring, nurturing and supportive. In other words, maturity in men means feeling strong within themselves, which obviously is a very individual trait; while maturity in women is the ability to enjoy warm attachments, a definitely relational trait.
Our brokenness, as a free people of God, since Adam and Eve (M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled and Beyond) muddles this truth. So we go through life sicker and sicker, generation through generation. And we become more feeling people, forgetting to realize that feelings can be very deceptive. It is an urgency to put into order our “thinking disorder”.
The “pathology of love and loving” is mainly caused by the absence of security, or the lack of it, in our lives. One must have a healthy relationship with anybody. Until a person obtains androgyny, the balance of both the masculine and feminine characteristics in every individual, he/she will continue to live a wasted life consisting of mood changes, depression and misery.
We have so much to learn because “we are a people who are very nice to look at from a distance, until we get to know each other up close and personal” – this is one of my earliest reflections/realizations in midlife.
Information/education on gender sensitivity, which has been here for sometime already,
has affected in this powerful awareness of the great differences between men and women. Sadly though, because of the magnitude of our differences we somehow failed to follow closely and (ugh!) sensitively. Relationship failure is, by and large, the net effect of our total indifference to gender sensitivity issues.
God bless!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
A Friend For You
Not really much into current events since I was young (I am currently in my midlife), newspapers never appealed to my senses, until about almost two (2) years ago when my eyes were interestingly caught by an article in our local newspaper which carried the title: LOVE BEATS DEPRESSION FOR WOMEN, NOT MEN. The title instantaneously brought into my mind the information I got after reading the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Already looking for an avenue in which I can express my opinions that might help people widen their horizon, I was attracted to offer my services by means of contributing to the same local paper. On their December 2005 issue I became officially a part of their team.
Having found meaning in my decision to write, my son (who I consider my finer version) encouraged me to widen my scope by sharing my newspaper articles through what you (I’m also not much into modern technologies) call “blog” (whatever that means).
I hope you enjoy reading. Please feel free to get in touch if you have something that you feel uneasy about and have not been able to find the answers yet, as I would really love to be of help in whatever little way I can. Let’s connect because that is what we are here for, to love one another. It is our ultimate mission (Gary Zukav, SEAT OF THE SOUL)!
Already looking for an avenue in which I can express my opinions that might help people widen their horizon, I was attracted to offer my services by means of contributing to the same local paper. On their December 2005 issue I became officially a part of their team.
Having found meaning in my decision to write, my son (who I consider my finer version) encouraged me to widen my scope by sharing my newspaper articles through what you (I’m also not much into modern technologies) call “blog” (whatever that means).
I hope you enjoy reading. Please feel free to get in touch if you have something that you feel uneasy about and have not been able to find the answers yet, as I would really love to be of help in whatever little way I can. Let’s connect because that is what we are here for, to love one another. It is our ultimate mission (Gary Zukav, SEAT OF THE SOUL)!
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