Getting out of a long-dead marriage was an absolute salvation the heavens granted me. As I celebrate my fourth year of freedom from that "hell", i would like to write about my personal reflection about love and loving, with a "special someone". After all, love is the most exciting thing that could ever happen for the most of us anyways. I say this as a matter of fact because my experiential theory tells me that we are destined to finally end up happily either with a partner or in our single-blessedness if, and only if, “we seek first the kingdom of God". The path of our individual life becomes clearer and clearer as we put our complete trust in Him. There won't be room for regret when we depend everything to our Holy Father's will.
About a year past my broken "marriage", I considered myself quite fortunate to heal faster than the most I know of, the women who went through the same experience. My acknowledgment of the painful reality that I committed idolatry when I gave myself into that pitiful pathetic situation was probably enough for God to grant me His mercy and compassion. One more year after that grace, I began to live my life in joy despite having nobody, in particular.
Finding the true source of authentic self-esteem led me to find the loving side of me. It is through this that I found out our capacity to love everybody. When the words, "love even those whom you do not like", or "love your enemies" made sense to me. It was as if I was finally "risen from the dead", resurrected! From then on there was no stopping me.
Until one fine (?) day I discovered falling in love once more (kilig? 'Yan din akala ko noon. (sigh) keep reading, please). As honestly as I had been with you, I did not love this man at first because, apart from the fact that I loved somebody else that time (at least I thought then. Kalisang!), I resolved to myself not to fall that easy and early. There was no problem in meeting my goal because I can be really good at self-discipline if I put my whole heart into it. There is so much risk in what they call "love on the rebound". And at my age it would be stupidity to the nth degree to do that!
Sigmund Freud, in one of his numerous published texts, theorized that we actually love the "people of our past". This particularly nice, I'd much prefer to consider an exceptionally good man, was reliving the father of my childhood that he slowly swept me off my feet. (Gaga!) We seldom see each other, as we are both busy with our own lives. But as I expected, his company was always something to look forward to. We were not at all romantic but we love as realistically as possible in our individual realities. There was nothing to complain about. Or was there not really?
Trust and respect must be the basic ingredients to a happy and contented togetherness. There is no question to that. And we have abundance of both. I cannot exactly pinpoint where the problem lies. But I am beginning to see, and maybe feel, difficulties ahead. After having gone through super typhoons, the only thing I am certain about is that, I am not willing to live my life in compromises anymore, never again.
Fear is the greatest enemy that anybody can have. It must be that, when in a compromising situation we courageously face our fear. Or we become cowards forever. True men of God are men of courage. We have to be willing to pay the price. Something has got to give, always. The price of freedom is great. And I have to remain free... whether in love or out of it. Because if I make myself a prisoner of it, “I AM NOT IN LOVE BUT SIMPLY IN AN ADDICTION.”
Love does not hurt, ever! If it hurts, I can assure you, it is not love. It is but an addiction. The following, which i quote from the KYREGMA Magazine verbatim, just made me realize:
"Addiction is any compulsive, habitual behavior that limits the freedom
of human desire. It is caused by the attachment or nailing of desire to
specific objects, people, or events. It carries with it an idolatrous nature
which is the absolute enemy of human freedom, the antipathy of love."
We all have different belief system/s. Personally speaking, I still maintain my conviction that if one does not love him/her own self completely and honestly yet, he/she will not have the capacity to love fully and deeply in return. To me this is very important because there are almost always chances for relationships to develop into union and I am convinced now more than ever in Carl Jung's theory that "marriage is always an affair of the soul", as quoted by Thomas Moore in his book, SOUL MATES, Honoring Love and Relationships.
As I move forward in my life journey, I endlessly thank God for making me realize, that life is but a cycle of "loving - letting go - loving again - letting go again..." because the greatest is love.
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future…” (Jeremiah 29:11)
God bless...
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